Are You My First? - Season 1 Part 1 (w/ Paul Mizzi)

Resident reality love show expert and not so virginal Paul Mizzi joins Sam to take a dive back into the Off Season with the first part of Hulu’s horny(ish) Are You My First? The first two catch up on Netflix docos and discuss the imminent return of Japanese reality hit The Boyfriend, then get stuck into all the chaos from the messy first five episodes of the season. Noah can’t make up his mind, bombshells can't stop entering the villa and sexy host Colton Underwood’s tits can't stop being on display. Stay tuned for part two next week.

Follow The Cringe is Real on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube & Bluesky. 

Transcript

Intro

SPEAKER_03 0:00

This podcast was produced on the land of the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nation. Welcome to Australia.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

Someone who is such a connoisseur of reality television. The content is hideous.

SPEAKER_00 0:17

So sorry about this. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 0:19

Hello, Paul Mitzi.

VIRGINS!?

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Hey Sam, how you going?

SPEAKER_03 0:26

I'm horny as fuck, I'm not gonna lie. I feel like this show, I feel like a caged virgin that needs to fuck, basically.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

How are you? Uh yeah, going good. Uh probably not as horny as you were.

SPEAKER_03 0:47

No, it ever is. It's all good on me, sir. Yeah. No, seriously though, for a show about virgins. I feel like they met the brief because you know, there was a lot of frustration, both from within the screen and from myself. Yeah. But I did leave being like, hmm.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

I have so many thoughts. I have so many thoughts about this show. Um, I I went on a journey watching this show for sure.

SPEAKER_03 1:22

Same. And I was saying to you, like, yeah, cool, like, maybe we'll talk about this show, whatever, blah blah blah. Because you know, you're my like love show correspondent at this point. Yeah. So I trust you.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:35

As soon as I start, and plus, it's on Disney Plus, right? So I was like, here we go. It's gonna be some virgin bullshit. And I feel like there's a like Mormon reality TV like renaissance happening. Salt Lake City just started back this week on Real Housewives. These fucking Mormon wives are like taking over, so it's natural naturally they're like, what else can we do in this space? Yeah, and I was all ready to hate this show. I was like so ready to hate this show. Yeah, and I just couldn't.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

See, I think I'm the officer. I was like raring too much.

SPEAKER_03 2:14

Yeah, because you're the audience for this show.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Yeah, I was like, Yes, sweet trash, cannot wait. Um, and I'd actually just come off of watching another virgin-based reality show, Virgin Island, which is so Virgin Island is a UK uh show with a similar premise. They get a whole bunch of virgins, put them on an island, but in that show, uh it's kind of more about the therapy side of things. So they put a whole bunch of sex therapists. Well, no, because they put a whole bunch of sex therapists on the island, but they also sex therapists in contention to fuck. Well, this is the thing. They've also got sex surrogates, which are basically sex workers with like a sex uh therapy edge to them. Hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Rewind.

SPEAKER_03 3:09

This is giving Handmaid's Tale like as soon as surrogacy is involved.

SPEAKER_01 3:15

I'm like, what are we doing here? What? So you'll actually you actually watch these virgins lose their virginity to like sex workers who also have like a second degree in like sex therapy at the same time. Um amazing, but also duh fuck. Yeah, but I I feel like that show did it the right way because they actually fucked. Well, and also because of the casting of this show. So I think all the virgins on that show were people with like trauma or like issues that they had to work through, and they all wanted to fuck. And I feel like in this show, you've got half the cast, or not even half the cast, maybe a quarter of the cast that are people like that with genuine issues, genuine trauma. Um, and then they've put them on this island with a whole bunch of crazy religious people. And how are they switched to it? Which would have been a better angle.

SPEAKER_03 4:17

I think they should have done all religious people. And my hot take, F Way Island style, I think they should have done some of the people were not virgins and they were lying. Don't you think? And I thought that's what they were gonna reveal to us halfway through.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

And then when they didn't, I was like, ah, yes, and and I guess the thing is I think we can get to is the fact that it's come out now that that was the case.

SPEAKER_03 4:41

Okay, so again, this is why I need you, Paul, to be my researcher, my fact checker, my eyes and ease on the ground because I cannot be fucked. But I did finish the show going, I want to know who's fucked into the show, who was lying. So the so some of them were lying.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Well, don't tell me who okay, make me guess. Make me guess. I well, we know for certain one of them was lying, and it came in Was it Goblin?

SPEAKER_03 5:11

No, oh shit, because in the trailer, when they're like, Goblin says, I'm not really a virgin, and everyone's like, Oh, which was the soundbite of the season. Yeah. So then find out that that was a bit, I was a little bit disappointed.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

Yeah. Now uh some drama happened after the show finished, uh, where someone revealed themselves to not be a virgin and it caused uh uh a big thing. So yeah, I'm happy to talk about it.

SPEAKER_03 5:41

Should we discuss that after we've talked about sorry? So you'll have to stick around to see my live reaction to hearing about this because I do not know, but I'm excited. Yeah. Oh my god. Um, before we get stuck into Are You My First

The Boyfriend Is Coming Back!

SPEAKER_03 5:58

Season One, there's a few things I want to talk with you about. Obviously, our favorite show, Netflix Japan's The Boyfriend, renewed for season two. Ah, so next year, yeah, I need it now, Paul. I need it right now.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

Yeah, but hopefully this means they're like putting together so much good footage. Like we're gonna have like six months worth of footage of them sitting in that house, sitting next to each other, not kissing, yeah, and working if that fucking coffee van is back, I swear to god.

SPEAKER_03 6:32

Do you think we've still got the coffee van? I think they're gonna upgrade to like a coffee shop, maybe. Brick and mortar. I hope it's more like a I don't know, a yucky tori stand or like you know, shaved ice. We can we can dream. Do you think they're gonna drop some bombshells in the villa?

SPEAKER_01 6:54

Uh, you know, well, I hope that you know, we've got that couple, the one couple we know stayed together and they've just been flooding our Instagrams for the last year.

SPEAKER_03 7:05

The worst people in the whole world dying short. Yeah. Who need to be like they need to be banned from music, they need to be banned from YouTube. Like they need to be stopped.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

Yeah. So my hope is that they're they break up on this season and we get to see it, and we get to see the breakdowns. 100%. Ah, that that will make this must-watch TV even more so.

SPEAKER_03 7:33

I feel like we're getting a new location, and I'm probably reading into it a little bit too much like a crazy fangirl, but they did in the picture that Netflix Japan put out, it's sort of like there's some like pine tree kind of vibes, and I'm like, ooh, are we going like mountainous? Because it's the same production as uh Terrace House, where they famously always are in a different location. So I'm vibing that they're going to move, like switch up the location. I feel like it won't be beachy this time.

SPEAKER_01 8:09

Yeah. Uh, whatever they have in store, I trust that production. So um, yeah, I'll I'm here for it.

SPEAKER_03 8:16

And Durian is back. That is confirmed. So I'm happy. We need the the one queer person on the panel to be there for the legitimacy of the whole show.

Netflix Docos

SPEAKER_03 8:28

Um, also, Netflix, speaking of Netflix, they are on a documentary like like binge of their own to varying degrees of quality. Um there was the fucking catfish one.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

Did you touch down on that one? Uh I didn't watch it, but then I listened to a recap of it, so I know everything that happened.

SPEAKER_03 8:53

Oh, yeah. Do you know what? The recap you listened to is probably better than the actual docker, which was shit house, but great story. Um, then they put out that fucking Charlie Sheen one, which is more concerning than the catfish at the high school. Have you seen the Charlie Sheen documentary?

SPEAKER_01 9:12

I haven't.

SPEAKER_03 9:13

Is it worth watching? Yes, because it is like watching a narcissist at work doing fabulous work to the point where you're almost like this man believes his own bullshit so much that you kind of like, you're like, wow. But also it's very infuriating for the same reason.

SPEAKER_01 9:39

Okay. So I'm I might have to add that to my list.

SPEAKER_03 9:43

Yeah, it's only what two parts. And he shows zero signs of remorse for anything he's ever done. But he speaks at length about all of the horrible things he's done, but not in a at all remorseful way. It's actually like it's it's fascinating.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Wow. I mean, from the things that I've seen of him, that's not actually that surprising. No.

SPEAKER_03 10:12

Yeah. No. But not surprising. However, I'm pretty sure the people that put this together thought, oh, maybe if we're doing it in this context, he'll, you know, take it as an opportunity to like rebrand or try, you know, show a bit of vulnerability. No, no, no, no, no. No, he's in fact, he like brags about the fact that he was smoking like seven gram rocks of crack cocaine. He's just like, yeah, no one slammed rocks like me. It's just like cool. Wow. Yeah, check that one out. So shall we do it? Yeah, let's get into it. In two, i.e. my first.

Are You My First? Season 1 Episodes 1-5 Recap

SPEAKER_03 11:05

Um high-level thoughts for this show. Hulu are smashing it. So Hulu are coming for Bravo's gig. They're putting out a lot of reality content at the moment, and it's really high quality. I gotta say, I loved the use of actual music in this show. They tried to do the kooky Love Island narration, and that failed fucking miserably.

SPEAKER_01 11:35

I feel like it was written by AI. Like, I know that's something that gets thrown around a lot, but it genuinely feels like AI. Some of it actually didn't make sense. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_03 11:48

Like they were trying to land jokes, and it like I didn't write down any of them because there was too many and they were too terrible, and I refused to remember them.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

But it was like, ooh, girl. Yeah, and I think it was exacerbated by the completely flat delivery from Colton and uh whoever the other. So I've got in my notes, it's Colton and her. Oh, Caitlin. Caitlin, that's right. And she's from the Bachelorette, she's a Bachelorette, I think, as well.

SPEAKER_03 12:19

Sure. Yeah, yeah. And they're both famously virgins, you guys. Oh my god. But this breakout star of the show was Colton's tits for me. Colton had the most incredible cleavage. He he had more cleavage than Caitlin did.

SPEAKER_02 12:37

Hmm.

SPEAKER_03 12:38

And they put him in the most hideous outfit. But he was always like this. He was there and he was like, he was like, hey, virgins. And I was like, I was distracted by his titties.

SPEAKER_01 12:50

Yeah, well, he has a brand. I mean, have you did you watch his Netflix reality show? No. Coming out Colton. He came out? Yeah, yeah. So he was he was a bachelor. He was a bachelor, and then he was his brand on Bachelor was that he was like a virgin and he was trying to find the one, but it was he was actually like in the closet. Yeah, let's see.

SPEAKER_03 13:19

Are you fucking kidding me? Because this what why did they not tell us that on this show? Because this whole show I'm watching, I'm like, this faggot with his tits out. Yeah. But I'm thinking he's straight.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

Yeah, no, he's married to a daddy now. He's he's married to a daddy and they just had a kid. But what happened? We don't love. But uh, so what happened is he was obvious obviously was holding this all in, and he actually, after The Bachelor ended, he had a full mental breakdown and started stalking the girl that he ended up with, and like was like verbally abusive, got arrested, all this stuff. And then he eventually came out and then like did a public apology to her and like and said that it was all because of like what he was going through mentally with his with his coming out process, and then he did a whole series on Netflix about coming out and he did damage control, yeah, Kevin Spacey style, and was like, guess what, everyone?

SPEAKER_03 14:20

I was a dickhead because I'm actually fabulous. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 14:24

And he did a whole he did a whole reality show about like how to become gay kind of thing, like learning about gay life.

SPEAKER_03 14:32

You gotta watch it, yeah. With all that in mind, yeah. Do I hate him now? Yes, do I still want to fuck him now? Absolutely. Paul, I thought he was the hottest person on the show. Oh, 100%. Like he's he's he's gorgeous, yeah, hot in a very Sean Cody way. But I was like, you know what? Compared to like the cast was Slim Pickens, not gonna lie.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

Yeah, there's one cast member that also had very Sean Cody vibes. We'll get to him later on. Uh Lane.

SPEAKER_03 15:03

Oh, we will get to Lane. Yeah, I think in part two of this series because he comes in later, but Lane was giving no Lane was giving like broke straight boys, like frat, frat men, like college vibes. Uh-huh. 100%.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

Oh to the point where I was like thinking, have I seen him in a poem? Like, like it was we have. Yeah, I feel like I have. Um, but uh, but yeah, Colton Your Brothers Street and the Road.

SPEAKER_03 15:41

But yeah, Colton's delivery of the narration was dreadful, terrible, dreadful, and then Caitlin, like, what the fuck, did not need to be there, except for this one moment later on where like someone is like, I need your advice, and she's like, fuck. I have to do something.

SPEAKER_01 16:01

So I actually was listening to her podcast today as research because she interviewed one of the uh people from the show, and her podcast, she's actually got a lot of charisma on it. Great podcast host. And from the sounds of her like recollections of the show, it sounds like her and Colton actually were doing a lot on the set and none of it was used. So I don't know what's going on.

SPEAKER_03 16:29

Yeah. Well, this is look, I think I know I I know I just said Hulu are smashing it with their shows, but what I think I meant was they're smashing out a lot of shows, and I think they are going for slick, but not necessarily like particularly, I don't know, silly or edgy. They just want like, yeah, and I think picking this like ex-bachelorette types for the hosting when you hire those people, yes, they've had controversies in their past, whatever, which I'm now learning. Uh, but like, well, that's the thing. I didn't know that, and I I didn't learn that because they just wanted them there as like sexy meat props, right? Like, they didn't need them, they gave nothing as hosts, but like I don't think it's their fault. I think Hulu didn't know what they needed, so they were like, just get these hotties in. Yeah. It could have been better with like a um, is it too hot to handle that has like Alexa or whatever? Yeah, yeah. Like, hey, do you know what? Lana, yeah. Lana. Sometimes we need a like if it's AI written anyway, you might as well call it spade a spade, hey. Exactly. All right, um, so let's get into the first episode of the show. It's called The First Time. 15 virgins arrive on the island with hosts Colton and Caitlin. We get a little bit of an intro about the format, however, we don't learn too much at this point. All we learn about is the V cards, which I was like, okay. I see what you did there, which all they are is just like messages for people to go on date. So there's nothing new. But I do like that they like virgin brand everything. It was like virgin cocktails, the virgin sacrifice, very silly. Uh, of course, heaps of them are Mormons, as we've touched some. Uh, but then the hosts have a serious question for them all. They're like, Are you all really virgins? And they're all kind of shook. And this is the bit where I'm thinking, oh my god, this is amazing. But some of them are not virgins. Did you not think the same at this point?

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Uh yeah, like it's it was a strange thing to bring up, like to put out into the universe if you're not gonna follow off on it in any way, right?

SPEAKER_03 18:53

Because the whole season I remember that they asked that, and I was like, oh one of these people. Anyway, uh, we meet um colorblind King Jake. How do we feel that, Jake?

SPEAKER_01 19:11

Now, this is where I uh I'm gonna admit there is way too many characters in the show, so I'm gonna have to look up everything. Jake's got boundaries and boundary issues. Okay, so at this point, episode one, yeah, I was like indifferent to Jake. By the end of the series, I hated Jake with the power of a thousand sons. Oh, oh what an actual piece of shit. What a kind this guy is.

SPEAKER_03 19:40

Truly, like not only are you not hot enough to behave in the way that you behaved, but like, yeah, this like I feel like gaslighting women is slightly more acceptable if they're at least getting some dick out of it, but like no one is getting dick on this show, and you're gonna gaslight people anyway.

SPEAKER_01 20:06

No, he was just doing it to have control over someone.

SPEAKER_03 20:11

It was all about it could be a closet case.

SPEAKER_01 20:14

Yes, I think that there's also there are also some other claims floating around Reddit about some pretty awful things somebody on this show has done in the past. Um, and I would say he's a finalist in that short list in my mind. Obviously, I don't want to make any, you know, I don't want anyone's lawyers coming after me, but would not be surprised.

SPEAKER_03 20:50

I'll have to go on a little deep dive of my own after this. But yeah, Jake, at this point, he comes out straight away saying he's colorblind, and I was like, and and then he's like, these shorts they're like these are like brown, right? And someone's like, Yeah, that's they are like the same. Then we meet um Rachel, who straight away tells us about her trauma, which is that she has vaginismus, is it?

SPEAKER_01 21:20

Vaginismus, yes.

SPEAKER_03 21:22

Vaginismus. Yeah. Um and she goes, Look, it's just really painful when I try and take anything down there. And I was like, girl, same.

unknown 21:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:33

At this point, I was like, I was living for Rachel. I was like, girl, same. I'm just not meant to take dick.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

Yeah. Uh I yeah, I love Rachel, I think she's fantastic. And like, kudos for her being so upfront about something that a lot of women experience. Like, I've had I've I've talked about this show to some people afterwards. And the amount of people that have gone, um, yeah, I've got that too. There you go. Amazing.

SPEAKER_03 22:06

Including one of the hosts later on. Could be Colton. Um, but actually, no, Colton's taken daddy dick just fine. Uh, all right, we get a pull for a chat. So Noah pulls Maddie for a chat, which I was like, okay, all right, Love Island, here we go. Um she says she wants like a Ken. She wants like a beach Ken, is her type. And Noah is like, that's not really me. I'm just like a cool, shy Mormon that's never really done this before. Oh my god, Noah, what a fucking train wreck.

SPEAKER_01 22:50

Uh yeah, Noah is the villain of the season for sure. Uh what a piece of crap. What a piece of crap.

SPEAKER_03 22:59

Very cute though. I was thinking of you. I feel like we've done this enough now. I can't have a sense of your type, and I was like, yeah, I was like, Paul's gonna be into Noah. Am I right? Uh yeah, physically only.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

He's not he's not the top of my list. I think you you I think you know who my top is.

SPEAKER_03 23:19

I think you've already told us. Oh, really?

SPEAKER_01 23:21

Oh no, no, no, I've mentioned.

SPEAKER_03 23:23

Can we keep it to the end as a surprise? Okay, because I like. Oh no, I want to know. But yeah, yeah. But he's on your list, right? Not that there's many Tom.

SPEAKER_01 23:34

Physically, yes, but like as soon as like his personality reared its ugly head, um, yeah, he's on the bottom. He's he's in the beard.

SPEAKER_03 23:44

Poor honey, he had no idea what he was doing.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

No idea, or he did have an idea what he was doing, um, and he's just a piece of crap.

SPEAKER_03 23:55

I think I think he was figuring it out as he went on. And yeah, poor baby, poor baby.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

And I think he's probably more I have more suspicions of him being closeted than Jenny, actually. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:09

Oh, all right, yeah, true. True. Because I remember being, I mean, look, I was in the closet for about 2.5 seconds, yeah. But during that time, I do remember being like, oh, I have to look interested in a girl all the time, so people don't know, which is actually kind of what he was doing. So you could be onto something. Yeah, oh god. Um, yeah. Next we meet Godwin, who is already interviewing girls as though he is the bachelor, and they're all kind of into it, like these girls are falling for it. And I'm like screaming at the screen, being like, What are you doing? Like, have you seen these shows before? Like, this guy's clearly he's a walking red flag, yeah, red flag. Jade is wet for Godwin. Uh, and look, he's hot. I mean, he's not that hot, he's got a hot rig, and that's about it. Uh, I don't I didn't see it. Yeah, he's the vibe that came off of him. I was like, no, no, no, no, yeah, no vibes whatsoever. Uh, they enter the guys and girls' villas because, of course, they can't sleep in the same place because the temptation would just be far too much for these virgins. Um, Michael tells us that he is in the top 3% of good looks, and this is when I'm like, oh, this guy's funny.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

Yeah, so Michael, Michael is the one I've been mostly attracted to.

SPEAKER_03 25:44

Me too. Michael's my number one as well. We can share him. So funny, so charismatic. I love just like a geeky guy. I reckon he's got a fucking huge dick.

SPEAKER_01 25:56

I was saying the same because I was watching it with friends. I was like, that guy has a giant penis. I agree. I can guarantee it. Like, there's no one with that build that does not have a giant penis. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:09

And he's just got a big, a big fat cock, you can tell. And I love he's just like this dork. He's from the start, he's troll, he's trolling the audience. He's like acting like this cocky jock. And look, it's all a it's all like a defense mechanism because he's this, he's this like nerdy guy that has no self-esteem, but he's gonna turn it on for the cameras. And to that I say, Michael, well done. Yeah, he played it right. Um, he goes, Look, the reason I haven't lost my virginity yet is because I'm actually just too good. So good. Uh, the first party that they have is a white party, because duh. Yeah, and Vaginismus girl Rachel first sort of flirts with Michael. Um this is cute. She tells him she her opening line to everyone, though, is like, hey, I'm Rachel, I have vaginismus, which I'm like, I'm not trying to shame anyone, but like maybe introduce that like a few minutes into the chat.

SPEAKER_01 27:13

Yeah. Um points for confidence, though.

SPEAKER_03 27:18

Totally. She's breaking the stigma. It works on Michael. He goes, Hmm, that seems challenging. And I was like, for her or for you. Like, do you know what I mean? But it worked. Him paying her attention paid off. She's very into it. Um, then they play this game. I did like this twist on the white party. They're like, you're wearing white clothes because guess what? You're all gonna paint each other. Uh, Mike, they have to paint someone that they've got a crush on. And like at this point, they've met for like what? I don't know, the day. So it's kind of hard. This is clearly just like a looks-based thing or like a vibe-space thing at this point.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

And I was a bit disappointed that they had the option to paint everyone. Like, oh, just choose one person.

SPEAKER_03 28:04

I was like, cop out. This one bitch just like paints every single guy, and I was like, Yeah, please. Yeah, no one was happy about that. Michael paints Rachel, and she's like, Godwin's up next. He's like, Who's it gonna be? He paints Jade, but then a few other girls, and I'm like, it's Brennan, but at least it wasn't everyone. Uh, then Rachel puts a ring on Michael's finger with the paint. And I was like, wow, a proposal day one. He tells us the hottest girl in the house is going for the dork. What a win! He's instantly likable, this guy.

SPEAKER_02 28:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:49

Maddie paints Noah with an XL. Maddie needs a lot of help.

SPEAKER_01 28:57

Yeah, I don't know how she got through the psych evaluation.

SPEAKER_03 29:01

Oh my god. I felt bad, like I felt bad, but I was also like, oh my god, this fucking bitch. Like her being like, look, I'm just always used to being number two, I'm never chosen. But say she wasn't saying it in like a hee hee way, she was saying it with like full conviction in pretty much every episode. And I'm like, how are they airing this?

SPEAKER_01 29:24

Yeah, I I felt it she did make me feel uncomfortable, uh, and I kind of wanted to get her out of there.

SPEAKER_03 29:31

They should have just like, yeah, made a snap eviction where they were like, oh no.

SPEAKER_01 29:38

Well, that's the other thing with this show. There wasn't enough eliminations. We had to wait so fucking long.

SPEAKER_03 29:45

Oh my god. Every day they were like, only three days till the next virgin sacrifice. And I was like, bitch, I am ready to sacrifice now.

SPEAKER_01 29:55

Yeah, we needed to churn through these virgins, like kick two hours a day.

SPEAKER_03 30:00

They would tell them about it as well. They'd be like, the sacrifice is happening in an hour, and then they would just leave and let them just like chat. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, just do it now. Please. Oh my god. Uh, this one it was Katya who painted everyone from behind, and the hosts are like, Cool, so you like them all?

SPEAKER_00 30:25

And she's like, ha ha ha ha.

SPEAKER_01 30:28

Uh, the hosts were so mad about that, I reckon. And talk about people that how did they get through the psych evaluation? Kat Katya was the other one as well.

SPEAKER_03 30:37

Oh, but she was at least she gave us some TV gold later on. Oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 30:42

Did not. No, she was just yeah, Maddie was sad. Katya made me angry.

SPEAKER_03 30:49

Yeah, so the next day, Jade is chatting with Godwin. She's like, let me guess your love languages. And he's like, he's like, My love language is a woman in the kitchen, and she's like, gender roles, cool. Thanks so much. And at this point, this should have been Jade's cue to uh fully run away from this man, like and instead, she was like, she even tells us in confessional, she's like, I'm not into this vibe, but he's hot. And I'm like, oh, this was when I realized, oh, these virgins are just as shallow, if not more shallow, than us sluts.

SPEAKER_01 31:37

Yeah, yeah. And maybe the reason they're all virgins as well is because they have zero uh you know skills in the dating scene, and they have no idea what they're looking for or what they want.

SPEAKER_03 31:52

No idea, and it's very evident by the end of the show. I was like, wow, what a waste of time. And also, what a trip back to the like primary school like playground, you know? I was like, pick me to peck. There's a lot of awkward pecking on this show, too.

SPEAKER_01 32:13

Oh, the worst kissing I've ever seen on reality TV. Oh, I'm looking at you, Jake.

SPEAKER_03 32:20

Anyway. Then a bombshell enters the villa, and he's you guessed it, a virgin, and he's tall, and his name's Mike, and he's the most boring individual I've ever seen on television, but he is tall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so the obviously the boys are like bricking it because he's a tall man.

SPEAKER_01 32:44

Yeah, uh, he I think he's uh uh and also a bachelor alum. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:50

When they when they kept saying that, I'm like, ah, okay, we've gone to the the graveyard of reality TV for this casting. Also, you were on the bachelor and you're still a virgin. Ooh.

SPEAKER_01 33:01

Yeah, I mean, he he is very religious, very religious, so yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:09

Oh Mike. All right, episode two is called Let's Talk About Sex. We meet Mike, he's a baseball player, he's a vanilla, he's tall. We get it. He's 34, so like, wow. Um we also learn he was on The Bachelorette, he's got a V card, and he gets to choose one of the ladies to go on a date with. So the audition process starts. Um Rachel's into it, um, but she's still being faithful to Michael, yeah, which was nice. All the girls are in a panty, like a moistening frenzy over this guy's height. Um Noah is worried about it because Noah's a bit of a short king, I think. Uh, and he's worried that Mike might pick Carissa, because at this point, that's who Noah's into. Keep up because that is about to change. Um Maddie tells us, this is when I was like, oh my god, Maddie's not okay. We need like eyes on Maddie. She goes, Yeah, look, I wasn't expecting to get picked by Mike because who would ever pick someone that looks like me? And I'm like, shut the fuck up, Maddie. Yeah, she needed to go on Therapy Island. Yes, Therapy Island is wavy. He picks Carissa, which is Noah's worst nightmare, and great television, and they go off on a date. Um, Maddie's like, okay, well, I guess Noah, you know, I can be with Noah now because I'm always the second choice. So just like in real life, I'm gonna second choice my way into Noah. So I was like, fucking hell, this bitch. Um meanwhile, Godwin is being smooth. He's chatting with all of the girlies at this point, saying shit like, we're men, we're out there, we're on the hunt. We're hunting, calm down. Uh, is when we meet Dea, who is falling for Godwin's machismo, and I'm like, watch out, girl, he's troubled. What do you think of Deia?

SPEAKER_01 35:30

She seems like a lovely person, and she seems completely unprepared to be on a reality TV show and does not understand how it works, and it will be her downfall that we will see.

SPEAKER_03 35:46

Totally. Um, the date between Carissa and Mike is really lame. They go on like an A T V with torky helmets, and then like a picnic. So, also, are they not drinking on this show? Because they keep making jokes about the virgin cocktails, and I'm like, don't tell me this is like a dry production.

SPEAKER_01 36:03

I haven't heard that it was. Um, and I think there is a scene in one of the later episodes where they're actually pouring a real bottle of booze out. So, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:14

Oh god, I hope.

SPEAKER_01 36:17

But I mean, can do Mormons drink?

SPEAKER_03 36:19

No, or they shouldn't. I think it, yeah, I think Mike, I think they're drinking water on this picnic, and I'm like, oh, fun. Carissa, this was the first red flag where I was like, Carissa needs to be like taken out. She calls a quesadilla a quesadilla, unironically, and Mike is like, uh, you mean a quesadilla, right? And she's like, no, I said what I said, and I was like, red flag, like run from this woman. Yeah, fuck. Mike assures us that he's very horny, but he's just waiting. And I'm like, all right, cool story.

SPEAKER_01 36:58

He also doesn't he reveal at this point that he's had blowjobs and stuff before.

SPEAKER_03 37:02

I think they all have, right? But yeah, I think you're right. He says that there's been a lot of fapping.

SPEAKER_01 37:09

Yeah. Um, well, I think some of them have had have literally done nothing. Um, there's some that have done stuff, but now they're like born again. Um but I guess that's the other thing with this show is like culture. Yeah, what is the virgin?

SPEAKER_03 37:30

Like that's the thing. So it's like, are we in a are we in a reality where like anal is fine? Yeah, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 37:39

Yeah, well, bow party to me. Mormons do the soaking thing, right?

SPEAKER_03 37:44

Yeah, where it's just like, oh no, I fell into you.

SPEAKER_01 37:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:49

But yeah, it's it's a very like old-fashioned binary version of what a virgin is, I guess, is is this show's understanding of it.

SPEAKER_03 37:59

I'm assuming it's penis to vagina penetration, and is what they're talking about, right? Which to me is so funny because I'm like, who cares?

SPEAKER_01 38:09

It's 2025.

SPEAKER_03 38:10

It's 2025, and half of these people, in my definition of sex, have had sex with people. Like, come on, if you're having bojabs and shit with people and having intimate relationships with people, like, how is that any different from some penny? Yeah, really, yeah, like it's childish to me in this way that I'm watching it and I feel like I'm 10,000 years old watching these people.

SPEAKER_01 38:35

Yeah, yeah. No, it's it's very Trump's America coded.

SPEAKER_03 38:40

Oh, this whole show is only exists in Trump's America. I feel like it's been waiting on a shelf, and then as soon as Trump got elected, they were like, release the tapes.

SPEAKER_01 38:49

How many of these people do you think were like at the Charlie Kirk rallies?

SPEAKER_03 38:55

All of them, especially Mike.

SPEAKER_01 39:00

Noah has that vibe for sure.

SPEAKER_03 39:02

Yeah, probably Maddie. Yeah, I'm I think most of them were there. Prove me wrong, motherfuckers. Back back at the villas. Uh, Mike and Carissa are back from their date, they've connected over their faith. It's all very beautiful. Noah is visibly upset. He's asking a lot of questions. Very insecure little man, Noah. Uh, and there's only two days left to the virgin sacrifice, guys. Two days. So I'm like, that's a long time, especially in the reality TV world. That's like a week. Yeah. The volcano on screen was pretty funny, though.

SPEAKER_01 39:40

Yeah. And I think like, um, because have you ever heard of that reality show, The Love Trap, where um when the girls get eliminated, a trap door opens below them and they fall into a pit. I really would have loved this to be them getting thrown into a volcano. Even like, even though they're not actually getting thrown in, the visual of them getting thrown in something would have been funny.

SPEAKER_03 40:04

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 40:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:06

Noah and Carissa have a chat. Um, she still finds him endearing. He does have, he's just got a very handsome face, Noah, and he kind of like he's got this dumb schoolboy energy. Like, I kind of want to like I don't know, piss on him or something. Like he's he needs something like that to happen to him. Yeah, you know? Um I do know, yes. Michael continues to be nerdy with Rachel and she's horny for it, which I love. They canoodle in the hammock and have a chat, and I was genuinely moved by this moment because they're like having awkward tension, and then eventually he like musters up the courage to ask if they can kiss, and then they do, and I was like, Yes.

SPEAKER_01 41:00

A bookmark this feeling because at the end of the next episode, we'll come back to it. Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 41:08

I mean, it's like a peck at this point. So on this show sounds pecking is like handies, like, do you know what I mean? Uh she cries in confessional. Um I'm like, okay. Then we meet the beady Mormon guy, Ty, who is so cute, and he tells us that he's into Jade. Um, firstly, can we just get it out of the way? I thought Ty was so hot, and then him to kind of open up about his sort of like body image stuff. I was like, sorry? Like, you're a good looking man. What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_01 41:44

Yeah, it's because of all these mean straight girls.

SPEAKER_03 41:47

I agree. I literally he needs a gay man to like worship the shit out of him. There is a lot of people on Sniffies that would literally for nothing.

SPEAKER_01 41:59

Yeah, and he has had he has uh post-show uh like beefed up. Um so yeah, so I think it did get to him right, but um I I did feel he he was felt very shy on the show, and I don't think the show let his personality shine. Like he kind of had the personality of a potato for most of the show.

SPEAKER_03 42:26

He did, but I found it quite attractive. I don't know. Maybe I like a insecure potato, like I was kinda into it. I don't know. I just thought he was very handsome, yeah, very sweet, like corruptible, but not in a Noah cocky way.

SPEAKER_01 42:40

And everyone seemed to love him, like all the girls seemed very protective of him, and yeah, so he's into Jade.

SPEAKER_03 42:48

She's like, I'm listening, and then look, props for her honesty, but also girl, being like, You're a lovely guy, but I just can't stand to look at your hideous face. And Godwin is a beautiful man, but God, he's a cunt. If only I could have it all. I was just like, Oh Jade, shut up. Like, yeah, I 100% accurate, or maybe don't say it. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 43:15

Cruel, you never tell someone, I don't know, I don't think I like you physically. Like, what a way to tell someone.

SPEAKER_03 43:22

It was irresponsible. And and imagine if a man did that to a woman on a similar show to this, there would be that person would have to delete all their social media. Yeah, you know, but she walks out of the show. Oh yeah, she's like, I didn't get what I wanted. It's like these are people, they're not you're not in a chocolate factory, babe. Like, yeah, you're not, you're not in the like what? I don't know. I I I think there's a lot of I mean, this whole show is laced with toxic gendered bullshit. But for me, that was the biggest one for me was Jade's behavior to these men. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:00

100%.

SPEAKER_03 44:02

Anyway, it's cherry pop challenge time. This was such a cheap motherfucking challenge, but I loved it. They had cherries above their heads. And they had to answer embarrassing questions about women's bodies because of course we're in Trump's America. Um, the men have to answer these questions. Yay for gender. Uh, over to the question about the gestation period, and Jake didn't even know what that was, which I was like, oh yeah. And I think he said six months.

SPEAKER_01 44:35

Yeah, Jake is on another planet.

SPEAKER_03 44:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:39

A planet where women are just things that exist and aren't people. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:45

Godwin says that a diva cup is a breast. And then I love when they pop the cherry. Did you clock the fluid that came out of the cherry? It was like jizz. Yeah. It was like a white, thick liquid. I was like, oh, imagine being an intern on set, and they're like, all right, Jerry. Today we need you to make a few liters of fake juiz for these cherries for the cherry pup challenge. Get to it, Jerry.

SPEAKER_01 45:13

I bet Jerry slept well that night. Covered in cum.

SPEAKER_03 45:20

Oh my god. Uh, these guys are fucking dumb. I'm so worried for our future. Um, Noah wins, which was surprising. Um, but the the bar is low. It's because he knew that women can get pregnant on their periods. I was like, oh my god, this is crazy. Um, Michael just missed out on getting a date with Rachel, which he was devastated by. Um, and then shock horror. So this was Noah's turning point. He could have been the sweetheart, he could have been the Michael of the show, sweetheart of the season, but this is when he chose violence after flirting with Carissa and telling Carissa to her face that he would pick her if he got a V card, he picks Maddie.

SPEAKER_01 46:05

Hmm.

SPEAKER_03 46:07

Why? What the fuck, mate? Do you think he's just a messy queen? Like, what's going on?

SPEAKER_01 46:13

I think he just thought too much of himself. He thought he was untouchable. I he's like, I'm the prize pig. They all want me. I can do whatever I want. How about I just play all these girls against each other, and then whoever I like most can win. And didn't realize it would just come and bite him in the arse.

SPEAKER_03 46:32

True. Or he just wasn't, I don't know if he was thinking. I think he also was like, ooh, he was a big kid in a candy store, right? He was like, ooh, I'm getting all this attention. Maybe he doesn't get that normally. I don't know. And he was kind of spoilt for choice. So and then the producers are in easier being like, you should explore your options. And he's like, okay, but the girlies were not on board with that. Who knows? Anyway, they roll the tape of Carissa being told that she's gonna get it. The editing was chef's kiss. Uh, what a fucking idiot. Episode three is called The Virgin Sacrifice because there's only five days left until the virgin sacrifice at this point. Michael asks Noah if he's gonna kiss Maddie on the date. And they're all like kissing a girl. Uh Carissa is still mad that he lied to her. I would be too. I mean, it's early days, like on these shows, aren't you supposed to like? Is he not seen these shows? That's not how you're supposed to play it, right? We get the date, it's cupcakes and candlelight. Looks booze free once more. Back at the house, they play some games. Rachel is pissed. So Rachel is so much fun. Rachel is me in this situation. She's like, Why are we sitting around? Like, we're on a reality show. Why are we not like being silly and frisky? She's like, come on, everyone, like, wake up. Um, Jade realizes that Goblin's probably a shit guy, but still is torn because he's hot. And this continues to be her storyline throughout. Were you not yelling at the screen?

SPEAKER_01 48:26

Yeah, it's so frustrating. It's like watching a slow-moving car crash.

SPEAKER_03 48:30

Every time she was on screen, I was like, Jay, shut your mouth. Like, just go. Like, just I don't know. Again, do you reckon now Ty's like ripped? She's like, damn.

SPEAKER_01 48:43

Yeah, I think they're all like looking back and going, Oh, we made a mistake.

SPEAKER_03 48:49

He's the Tejon of the season. Yeah. Uh Godwin is mad that she's even remotely into Thai. And I'm like, well, Godwin, get a better personality. Noah and Maddie peck on their date, which solidifies their bond. I was kind of like, this bitch is so messy. The hosts appear out of nowhere. Every time the hosts appear, it was such an anti-climax, right? They would walk in and they would be like, hey everyone. In a few hours, we'll be back. Goodbye. And I was like, cool story. Colton in a different cleavagey shirt.

SPEAKER_01 49:34

Yeah, and they're all hideous, those shirts.

SPEAKER_03 49:36

Oh, bad shirts. The tits, though.

SPEAKER_01 49:42

He should have just lost the shirts, to be honest. Truly. It's set on a beach. It's justifiable for him to just be walking around in in uh like swim trunks and nothing else.

SPEAKER_03 49:52

Exactly. Surely he's done worse. I don't know. So it's finally virgin sacrifice time. But again, they're like, think about it and then we'll come back. Because so these sacrifices are a mess. It's basically like they go into the confessional room one by one and they say like one or two or three or four names of people that they don't think well, it's like they can say anyone, right? But they're told that it should be people that like aren't making connections. Is that right?

SPEAKER_01 50:24

I think so, yeah. Yeah, it felt um very uh for the love of dilfs-esque.

SPEAKER_03 50:30

Yes, yeah, like loose format where they can kind of wriggle around it if they need. Yeah. Um, little couple recap at this point. Carissa is all in with Mike, Ty is all in with Jade, Michael and Rachel together, and Noah and Maddie, I guess. We get a very awkward scene between Noah and Carissa because they haven't really spoken about it yet, and she's kind of like, what the fuck, mate? And he's like, Yeah. And then he's pissed that she's pissed, which I'm like, really? It sacrificed time. Colton's got the girls out. Uh, and they wake up in the morning, and Michael is gone. This was the first genuinely shocking point of the show.

SPEAKER_01 51:27

Yeah. And like, I was devastated. Devastated. No, he's the best one. He's the only one with the personality.

SPEAKER_03 51:37

I know, such a cutie patootie. He's left due to a family emergency, and Rachel's so upset, she's crying. She was ready to climb on that day. The hosts reveal that three people will be going home, and this made no sense. They were like, ladies choose the men, and men choose the ladies, but then for some reason, two men are going home and one woman, even though Michael left. Can you is there any logic to this? Like, what? Like no, I couldn't work out. I think they'd already decided who they wanted it to be.

SPEAKER_01 52:13

Yeah, I think they knew who the next intruders were, and then they had engineered this to you herald their arrival.

SPEAKER_03 52:21

Also, this cast did not play fair, like they didn't understand the assignment with the eliminations, as we learn in this first one, and they just kind of like go for who they don't like, really. Like they got petty with it, um, which could have been really fun. They could have lent into that and showed us like the votes and like revealed who voted for who or something. Like they they could have. I think if they were smarter, they could have given us some better tension with that. Yeah, no one ever really talked about their their vote power.

SPEAKER_02 52:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 52:57

You know? Um, so you can say one more than one name, apparently. It makes no sense. Uh, then this is so funny. So they just for the first time they introduce these new characters to us that have been there the whole time. A guy called Crush, a guy called Hakeem, and a girl called Sarah. They literally, in this episode, introduce us to these people, right? Like during the elimination. I was like, I've watched a lot of this TV, but like, this takes the cake for like the laziest elimination editing.

SPEAKER_01 53:35

Yeah, and like at least give us some connection to the people that are getting eliminated so that we care at least somewhat that they're leaving.

SPEAKER_03 53:45

No, they're like, here's Sarah, here's Hakeem, here's Crush, and then guess what? All three of those people are sacrificed. It's crazy. Um, however, uh, in a chat with Noah, he says that he wants to vote Carissa. This is so wild to me as well. It's like Carissa, who is like quite clearly having a connection with Mike. So that just goes against the rules of the who's supposed to be eliminating. But he's like, he's like petty pettily going for her because she got annoyed that he lied to her. Is that not the biggest man baby shit ever?

SPEAKER_01 54:26

Yeah, that's when he established himself as the villain. Villain, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 54:31

Big time. Uh, so Carissa and Kacha got the most votes for the lady, but it's a tie. So we end on this tie cliffhanger after we say bye to Crush and Hakeem. It's so wild, this, because you're just like, What? And then episode four, double the trouble. The guys break the tie, and then this was wild to me. They choose Carissa to go home.

SPEAKER_02 55:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 55:03

I was like, what is this show? This show has just lost all legitimacy if it even had any to begin with.

SPEAKER_01 55:10

Yeah, no, it was so dumb. So dumb.

SPEAKER_03 55:14

Mike, wouldn't you just be like, guys, really? So wild. Anyway, Noah's little smug face. I think, and this again, yeah, he's such a gay villain, isn't he? He's just like, he's like, I'm done with you, off you go. He's really pleased with himself that he pulled off the Carissa vote. Anyway, Mike and Rachel are like, well, our connections are gonna. And then they kind of planted some seeds that they were gonna connect, which I was like, ooh. Andrew and Katcha. Oh my god, Andrew.

SPEAKER_01 55:54

Yeah, we haven't even touched on Andrew. Hot and extremely gay.

SPEAKER_03 56:02

So gay.

SPEAKER_01 56:03

So gay.

SPEAKER_03 56:04

One of the Mormons, no?

SPEAKER_01 56:06

Yes, one of the Mormons, and his immediately, immediately acknowledged. So I saw him without him even saying a word. I turned to the people I was watching with. I'm like, that's a faggot. And then and then he um bleach blonde hair. Yeah, bleach blonde hair. And the first thing he says is, everyone thinks I'm gay, but I'm not. I'm like, but you are, you are gay.

SPEAKER_03 56:31

Hot. I also this show did a thing that drove me crazy where they kind of like Noah's arked the casting where it was like, here's two slightly Asian people. Hopefully they'll get together. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and then later on we see it again. Um, but this was very like, you're the only like slightly Asian people on the cast, please date. Did it not feel like that?

SPEAKER_01 57:00

Yeah, I I could see that for sure.

SPEAKER_03 57:03

All of it, I was like, oh, everything about this show made me so uncomfortable. And I think so. The the virgin sacrifice really shook a lot of the cast into like, oh, this is a game. They're like, okay, and then they all decided that they were gonna like they literally just coupled up right after the first one. It was like, no, like that they weren't even trying to hide it. So Andrew and Katya fall into this category. They it's like they're in high school, and it's like everyone pair up, and like you're looking around, and you're like, Who am I gonna go with? Because they want to stay on the show. Andrew and Katya totally did that. Um, they decide to be locked in and just kiss. I'm like, okay. Then we enter two new virgin girlies, and boy, aren't these great additions. So Brooklyn is the whitest woman that's ever existed, and her name is Brooklyn. And doesn't she look like a Brooklyn?

SPEAKER_01 58:05

She does. She looks like if you took every white girl at a Taylor Swift concert and melded them all together.

SPEAKER_03 58:12

Yep, with huge gums. Uh, then we also meet my favorite person of the whole show. 100%. Like, give Farah a fucking show. Like, this bitch is so cool. She's like Daria meets like sex positivity. She's way too cool to be on the show, and I love her.

SPEAKER_01 58:36

And she knows it, she fucking knows it, and she's constantly talking about it. It's so cool.

SPEAKER_03 58:41

Every line that came out of her mouth was like memeable, put it on a t-shirt. Like, I'm obsessed with this bitch, and I feel like the show didn't even know what to do with her. They were like, damn. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I have like a huge crush on Faro. She's so cool. Uh they both have V cards, of course, as newbies. Brooklyn goes, dating in LA is so hard. She goes, I get dumped all the time just for being a virgin. I'm like, that's not why you're getting dumped, babe. Uh oh. Um, of course, she's also a Mormon. I love Jake being like, oh, you're also a Mormon. And she's like, he's like, he outs all of the other Mormons in the yeah for her, which I'm like, fucking hell. This is how they do it. I don't know. Um Farah is so funny. So right out the gate, she's going around to all the guys and she's like, So you fuck anyone yet? That was her opening line to me, which I love because it's like duh, it's a show about like losing a virginity, no? I would ask the same thing.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:02

But I just love how uncomfortable everyone is around her, they just don't know how to deal with it because they're such different people.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:09

Yeah, because everyone else on this show is like a fucking idiot, and she's the only normal person on the show, and she's so she knows who she is, and everybody is so upset by that. Like they are so upset with her confidence. Um, oh god, I'm obsessed with her. Andrew is very keen on Brooklyn. They're both like, yeah, they they fit because it's like a jock girly vibe, anyway. And at this point, he's probably the most jockey in the cast. So I'm like, think so. He uh uh asks her to pick him for a date, which I was like, well, balls in. But she's keen on the other LDS boys, so she pulls Noah for a chat, knowing that he's of the church. What did they call it? Like the Church of Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:00

I was like, Yeah, yeah. Oh LDS is Latter-day Saints.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:05

No, but when when they were talking within each other, the LDS babes, they were like, You're also from the Church of Jesus Christ. Oh god. Okay. Anyway, when Maddie sees this, obviously she loses her shit and falls straight back into her really toxic second choice pick-me behavior, which needs to be studied. Umah tells Brooklyn that he's tight with Maddie, but his options are still open. And I'm like, not again, mate. Like, you cannot do this right now, like, especially not with Maddie. She's the most fragile human on the earth. Oh my god. Um, so the V card choice happens. Brooklyn chooses Andrew, and Farah chooses Noah, which Maddie's pissed about. Uh, surely the producers set Farah up for that, yeah. Just to get Noah on the date. I don't know. Because it was like a double date.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:16

Yeah, I I I don't I just don't see any universe where those two people have any chemistry.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:22

So I reckon she said to the producers, I don't like any of these fucking losers. And they were like, We'll just pick Noah then. Oh my god. Uh Jade consoles Maddie, um, who is planning to confront Noah about how she feels. Oh my god, all right, Maddie. We get the double date on the boat, which is very awkward, um, but also had some great moments. Noah's freaking out about how to navigate, seeing multiple people at once, and I was like, what a great place to do that on then a show like this. Yeah. Bara tells Noah about how um she debates with incels for fun on the deep web. I was like, this bitch is iconic, like she's the kind of bitch that would have gone to a Charlie Kirk thing and just been like, you're a fucking racist cunt. Like, do you know what I mean? Yeah, and then she also drops in the most iconic way ever that she's on OnlyFans um as a virgin, which is everything. Yeah, and Noah, Noah's reaction to this was incredible.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:35

Yeah. Like he was so horrified.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:42

I've never seen a virgin be slut-shamed before this.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:45

Yeah, yeah. And just the fact that he was like so down the line, like, okay, well, you're never gonna be an option for me. Bye.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:57

Well, I think that pornography shouldn't exist. Um, because the devil, I'm like, oh, shut up. He says that. How much porn has this motherfucker watched? Like, calm down. And has a crime. Because she's a woman, because she's a woman and she's creating it and she's making her own money off it, he's got a problem. Like, oh my god. Um, straight away puts up boundary. He's so uncomfortable. And I love she's she's just sitting there, it's like great. Like, she's not fast, and it only gives her more power. Um, so incredible. She takes it really well. She's just like, cool, well, that's who I am. I'm not gonna change for you. Why would I do that? We're on a show, I just met you, and he's like having he's like spiraling by her announcement of something that she does with her body by choice. Like, this was incredible. Um, all right, Andrew Brooklyn are vibing though, but then Noah can't help himself, he's kind of like also vibing with Brooklyn, he's out of control.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:06

Out of control, it makes it worse because Noah and Andrew are apparently best friends, but he literally was just like, oh well, this like absolute like slutter here is not an option anymore.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:19

Who else is on the he literally just like who else is here? Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:24

On a side note, I did see on Reddit somebody noticed that Andrew and Noah had actually pushed their beds together in their bedroom. Shut up. There's actually a shot, and their beds are pushed together. So what's going on there? What?

SPEAKER_03 1:05:45

Amazing. Oh, God. Um, Katya and uh the girly's a key king back at the villa. She's a little bit jealous that Andrew's on a date, and this is kind of like the activation of Katya that we need. She didn't need it, but we needed it as the viewers. Back on the double date, more iconic fire content. She's like, I don't swim. So she doesn't swim. She's Daria. No? Like she's fucking Daria. I love it. Noah turns his attention to Brooklyn and they exchange a sexy glance. Ty manages uh to take matters into his own hands, and he's like, I'm gonna throw my own date. I'm not getting a V card. I'm just gonna throw a date for Jade. So he takes her on a little villa date. This was very cute. What did you think?

SPEAKER_01 1:06:46

Uh I don't remember anything about this date.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:49

Really? Oh, well, it wasn't a sanctioned date. He was just like, well, like this show sucks. They're not like gonna give me an opportunity. So I'll just do so. He just like made a little like bouquet of flowers and like some put some candles out. It was nice. And Jade, it like what like Jade was wooed by this moment. Okay. And this is when he asks for a kiss, and they have a little kiss, which is very cute. So at this point, this is when I was like, oh, okay. I thought like she just told us that she thinks Godwin has shit politics, you know, this guy's being nice. I was like, oh, maybe she's gonna like get over him not having six pack and you know, be into this guy. No. Maddie writes an overcomplicated letter to Noah, and she's like a riddle that she's waiting at the boat. Uh he finds her, and then immediately he's cannot wait to slut shame Faraha some more. So, which is interesting. Like, anyway, he's like, She's so not me, she's disgusting, don't worry about it. Uh, and then they have a kiss, they have a kiss to a Troy Savan song.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:07

Yeah, yeah, which is funny because that song is about having sex with a closeted straight guy.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:15

So one of your girls, iconic song, great video. Yeah, worst use of that song ever of all time.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:22

Yeah, but was that the producers trying to say something about Noah? Oh, maybe.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:27

I didn't think it was that deep. I was like, this is just the Disney Plus budget or whatever, you know, like this was like fuck.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:33

Yeah, they did have like have some heady heavy hitters like fucking Billy Eilish and Choice of Anne. Like, we're not used to this.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:41

Yes. Oh, I know. I was like, I kept thinking, oh, this is like a ripoff of that song, and then the the vocals would come in, and I was like, oh, this is that song. Fuck. Um anyway, Maddie wants exclusive rights to Noah. And she he's not sure if he's ready though, because Brooklyn's still on his mind. Episode five F Boys for Life. We start with Andrew and Katya having a chat. He's like, Yeah, look, Soz babe. Um, we're into Brooklyn. And she's devastated. She's pretty much like fuck this like big blue-eyed blonde-haired bitch. Like, and I totally get it. Like, a lot of that would be like pretty triggering. I don't know. I felt like they had a thing, and then in comes this, like, you know, objectively pop white girly that just like steals her man. Pretty shit.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:38

100%.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:41

Godwin is still up to no good. He's a kind of vibing jade. But she at this point is a little bit checked out because she's had a romantic kiss from Ty. But every episode she tells us she's torn because Godwin's hot. He's not that hot. And poor Ty knows what's going on. He's not he's no feel. Godwin also has Deia on the boil. And this is where things get juicy. Uh Deia is like kind of great, but also a lot. No. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I could handle it. Nah. Great reality casting, though, because she was a ticking time bomb from the start.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:37

Uh bombshell, Brooklyn, and Maddie are being very awkward with each other because they're both after Noah. Which I Noah does not need this for his ego. Just by the way. Having people going for him. Brooklyn and Noah flirt by the pool. Yeah. He's like shook that she's keen. But he's like, look, I just need to sleep on it. I think after the Carissa thing, he's like, I can't do that again right away. So he's trying to like pat it out or something. What a mess. Like, Noah is such a dumb baby at this point for even entertaining things with Brooklyn.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:16

Yeah. Um, he I just don't understand why all these girls let it happen. Like, why what about him has gotten him to this point with each of these girls? Because to us viewers, there just doesn't seem to be much there apart from his looks.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:39

Yeah, and like he wasn't even that hot, it was just because the the cast was overall pretty average. But yeah, and he just had no riz whatsoever. Um anyway, he's falling for it again. He's broken Chris's heart, and now he's gonna do it again with Maddie. In the morning, Maddie is like stage five clinging. Noah is like, this is the most awkward scene of the whole show, I think, when he's like, Look, I'm just having breakfast, babe. Do you remember this scene? And she's like, I love your hair.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:21

And he's like, Yeah, I'm just like eating breakfast. Well, I think he was like, she was asking questions about their relationship, and he really did not want to answer them, so he was just like pulling out excuses to get out of this conversation, yeah. But it was but at that point, how is she not reading the room?

SPEAKER_03 1:12:43

True, true, true, true. Yeah, she's embarrassing herself at this point. He kind of like he's like, I'll see you later, ha ha. And it's just like, oh, this guy truly sucks. Rachel is still missing Michael. At this point, I'd kind of forgotten about Michael because he's been away for like multiple episodes. But the fact that they kept they brought him back in even in spirit at this point, I was like, Ooh, maybe he'll return. Bara and Jake chat at breakfast. She's like, I love first base. She's like, I know a guy who can come just from making out. And I was like, I love you. She gets it. Like, she's on the show and she's like, This is so dumb. Like, this is such an outdated notion of like virginity, you know. Uh Jake is also also anyone she goes near on the show is just like, especially the men, they're just kind of like terrified of her. She's way too cool for these fucking virgins. Uh it's V card time, and interestingly, they give it to Godwin, who chooses to go on a date with Dea. Uh, which like Jade looked kind of pissed, and I was like, No, this is when you double down with Ty.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:04

No, couldn't resist Godwin's godlike you know, charm and looks. Like, fucking hell.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:14

They go ziplining, and of course, Godwin's like scared of heights. I was like, Oh god.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:18

Yeah, screaming like a little bitch.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:20

Oh god. It's cute. Um she goes in for a kiss and he like gives her cheek. I was like, oh. Meanwhile, Ty and Jade are catching up. He's feeling really insecure. He knows exactly what's going on. He's like, I really want you to pick me, but also I can tell, you know, I'm not the physical thing you're after. Which is the problem with these shows to begin with, right? Because you've got this comparison thing, it's like being at a gay sauna, you know, everyone's walking around. You don't want there to be too many guys there because everyone's walking around and they're like looking for the best thing, you know. Oh Noah confronts Maddie about the pressure that she's putting on him. This guy fucking sucks so much, and then he pretty much dumps her. He's like, How about we just like pull back to France? And she's she is so pathetic. She's like, Yeah, cool, sounds great, and then just like walks away, and then to the girls is like, no one ever wants me. Second choice. She goes, This always happens to me. Yeah, she's smiling. The girls are like activated, they're like, How dare he? Blah blah blah blah blah. Um, Katya is also dumb with Andrew, who's being pretty F-boyish at this point, but like being a virgin F-boy, I feel like is worse, right? Because no one's getting fucked.

unknown 1:15:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:01

What's the point?

SPEAKER_03 1:16:03

Exactly. Oh god. Andrew surprises Brooklyn with a little makeshift date now that that's a thing. And Katya is fuming. Brooklyn thinks that this could be love bombing, but she's also still into it. It's getting messy. Anyway, this is when Katya is like ready to blow a few. She goes, I will never be someone's number two. Okay. Talk to Maddie about that. She loves it. She fucking loves being a number two. And then she blows, she likes sprays Andrew that night, and he's like, I a little bit felt bad for him. I'm not gonna lie.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:44

Yeah, like the poor guy just wants to be gay in peace. Leave him alone.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:49

No, he wants to pretend to be straight on TV, just leave him alone. Yeah, she shot herself in the foot with this. I think she thought she was getting her like girl pound moment, but it just looked kind of sad.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:03

Yeah, no, yeah, she did come off unhinged.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:08

Yeah. Wow. And that's the first half of the season. What a ride. I know. This is when I was like, oh boy, we're in for more than one episode with this. But um, yeah, you'll have to wait till next week to finish off the rest with me, Paul.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:29

Yeah, you you get the reveal of uh who was not a virgin that will be all revealed our next episode. Yeah, find out why uh Michael and Rachel's moment in the boat uh will be will be circling back and reassessing that moment. Yeah, um, find out why.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:51

And we might even rank who we want to fuck on this show. You'll have to tune in to find out. Thank you so much, Paul. See you over there on part two. See you then. Bye bye.